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21 January 2007 @ 02:55 pm
Car accidents were Derek's least favorite surgical cases. Nothing rare or exciting about the case, just horrific injuries that were usually completely avoidable if people would just pay more attention on the road.

His patient this morning had been compromised by her pregnancy - faced with severe trauma, the body of a gestating woman tended to concentrate its energy and bloodflow on the fetus. There had been a lot of spinal lacerations to repair, and Derek could only hope that after fifteen hours of surgery and an emergency C-section Natalie's body would start to heal itself.

Addie always wanted to be kept abreast of the condition of the mothers, even after she had signed off a case and started working exclusively with an infant patient. Derek understood that - saving a child was a bittersweet victory if the baby was left without a mom.

He was rounding the corner to check in with Addie on Natalie's condition and almost bumped into Mark, his eyes flashing with anger and... pain? Derek spared him a glance over his shoulder, but was not that concerned with Mark Sloan's feelings lately.

He approached Addie's door and knocked lightly, noting with interest that he had never seen her office door closed.
Current Mood: discontent
Addison: looks downaddie_mcsatan on January 21st, 2007 11:30 pm (UTC)
After Mark had left, Addison had gone to her desk and sat down. She'd tried to push the pain and numbness away, but it proved to be a task she could not complete, even with the post-op notes that needed to be done. Too much had been brought up, too many images floating around in her head. Her loss was just too great.

All of her guilt and regret was just too overwhelming. She couldn't concentrate no matter how hard she tried. All she could do was picture all of the babies; babies she'd delivered, babies she'd performed surgeries on, babies that had died, just babies that weren't hers.

Doing the things she does, working with babies everyday, it had made Addison want kids. She always had. With Derek, she hadn't felt that she was ready when he was, but that didn't mean she hadn't wanted them. The sad part was when she was ready, their marriage had already started to fall apart. She wanted a baby she could name and hold. She wanted a baby that she could feed. There were so many things she wanted to do with her baby, but that wasn't possible anymore. Mark had been right about one thing; it was she who had gotten the abortion and for that, she couldn't blame anyone else but herself.

Suddenly, there was a knock on her door which broke her train of though. Addison quickly tried to compose herself, wiping away any traces of tears from her cheeks. Tucking a piece of hair behind her ear and putting a small, fake smile on her face, she told whoever it was to come in as she picked up a pen and pretended to be working.
Dr. Derek Shepherd: Concern [beautdisastr]doc_mc_dreamy on January 22nd, 2007 12:38 am (UTC)
Knowing someone for eleven years, there are certain things one picks up on. Derek could tell that there was something behind her smile, that the look on Mark's face and the atmosphere in Addie's small but elegantly decorated office were related.

He also knew that Addie would only hide it from him if she really didn't want him to know, so he kept his tone neutral and tried to think of a non-invasive way to ask if she was okay.

"Am I interrupting anything?"
Addison: addie 1addie_mcsatan on January 22nd, 2007 12:46 am (UTC)
"No, not at all," she replied, continuing to smile as she swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat.

With Derek here, Addison only felt a thousand times worse. Here stood the man that she'd given up motherhood for. She killed her baby so that the could have a chance at reconciliation. Addison didn't blame Derek, she could never do that. It wasn't solely any of their faults. They'd all contributed to the current chaos that were their lives. She only wished their marriage could have really worked out, so she could really say that she hadn't given up her baby for nothing.

Pursing her lips together, she let out a breath. "What can I do for you, Derek?"
Dr. Derek Shepherd: Addek hosp chat [tangled_girl]doc_mc_dreamy on January 22nd, 2007 01:23 am (UTC)
Derek took a step further into the office, closing the door behind him in case she did feel like talking.

"I just wanted to let you know that Natalie is out of surgery. She has a rough recovery ahead of her, and for now she's in the ICU rather than the recovery wing."

Derek sat on the edge of her Tudor-style mahogany desk. She had ordered it specially after she took a permanent position in Seattle, and it completed the room in a way that nothing else could have. Typical Addie, she knew just how to accent a space.

"How's the baby?"
Addison: dazedaddie_mcsatan on January 22nd, 2007 03:12 am (UTC)
At the mentioning of a baby, a dazed look spread across Addison's face. Her first thought wasn't Natalie's baby (a clear sign she should probably take the day off). Instead, her mind went to the baby, her baby.

Right now, she could have been holding her very own baby. She wouldn't be all alone and she would be staring down into it's little eyes, counting each of its fingers and toes. But that wasn't happening. What was happening was all of her guilt and remorse was catching up with her.

Addison could have done a number of things. She could have tried to work it out with Mark, tried to change him as impossible as that may have been. She could have came to Derek and beg him to take her back even if she was carrying Mark's child. She could have just run away, tried to forget both of them and lead a life with her baby. All of those options would have been much better than the one she'd taken. A life wouldn't be lost and she might have had a shot at happiness.

"What?" she said abruptly, finally acknowledging Derek again. "I'm sorry. I uh...The baby." Addison blinked, trying to gather her thoughts so she formulate coherent words.

"The baby is fine. Her lungs are underdeveloped, but um, she should get better within the next couple of weeks."
Dr. Derek Shepherd: Concern [beautdisastr]doc_mc_dreamy on January 22nd, 2007 08:39 am (UTC)
Derek nods, his eyes narrowed slightly with concern. Clearly all was not right with Addie.

"You did good work in there," he says softly, his voice taking on the breathy quality that he saved for conversations that meant something. His undertone was one of concern - friendly concern.

"Which is why it's so strange that you're not more excited. Or at least satisfied. This sounds like a best-case scenario," his head is cocked to one side, watching her carefully for all the signs he has learned after eleven years, hoping to be a friend to her if that's what she needs.
Addison: cheekaddie_mcsatan on January 22nd, 2007 10:46 am (UTC)
"I am excited," Addison said quickly, trying to recover from spacing out on him earlier. "I just...have a lot on my mind is all."

She wasn't sure if she could ever tell Derek about the baby. For one, it would probably only make him hate her even more; having conceived a baby with Mark and not him. She even hated herself a little for that. Besides, what difference would it make, telling him that she'd given up motherhood for him? He would still love Meredith Grey and nothing would change. Addison would still be all alone and she still wouldn't have her child.

Tucking a piece of hair behind her ear, Addison gave Derek the best smile she could muster, which of course, wasn't very much, but she tried anyway. She put the pen to the paper and started to write, focusing as hard as she could on the task of writing post-op notes.
Dr. Derek Shepherd: hm? [beautdisastr]doc_mc_dreamy on January 27th, 2007 09:07 am (UTC)
"Hm," Derek acknowledges. He wonders if she realizes how obvious she is to him. He wonders if she thinks he paid so little attention to her while they were married that he can't tell when she's lying.

This thought is troubling to him, perhaps more than it should be, and he decides not to press the issue.

He circles the desk and leans down over her shoulder, his breath warm against the side of her face as he grabs a pen and signs off on the notes. The moment is over before it begins, and he gives her shoulder a friendly squeeze and returns to the opposite side of the desk.

"If you want to talk about some things that are on your mind, I happen to know a neurosurgeon who is getting very good at listening," he says, his smile easy and unprepossessing.
Addison: cheekaddie_mcsatan on January 27th, 2007 09:52 pm (UTC)
Addison focused long enough on Derek to feel him get extremely close to her as he signed the notes and then gave her shoulder a squeeze. She watched him as he returneds to the other side of the desk and did her best to not let her mind wander while he was talking.

When he finished, she wondered where this Derek had been back in New York. Had he been good at listening, maybe they wouldn't be here right now. Maybe they would be happier, leading better lives. Unfortunately that wasn't the case and thinking about it wasn't going to change anything. Addison wasn't going to be happier. She wasn't going to be less lonely. She would still feel numb. She would still be empty.

Giving Derek a sad smile, she shook her head slowly. "I'm positive this isn't a topic you won't want to talk about. It's not one I want to talk about either," she paused to let out a sigh. "Besides, I'm sure if I told you, you would hate me forever and I'm not sure if I can handle that right now."
Dr. Derek Shepherddoc_mc_dreamy on January 29th, 2007 08:51 am (UTC)
Derek smiles kindly, "I'm not so sure about that, but I've learned that part of listening is waiting for the other person to want to talk."

He stands and moves to the door, "You did great work today, Addie. You should be happier, less distracted. If you ever want to talk about whatever it is... you know where to find me. The door is always open."

He leaves her office, neglecting to close the door behind him. Addie doesn't need anymore closed doors, he thinks.